...I've been so depressed lately... I don't know what the hell is going on... I've been too busy in college, but now that I have nothing to do, it's all boring and depressing... but I like not doing anything..... I have some stories to share... this'll be a long winded entry... probably my last one... again... I just had to get things out... I don't know what the fuck is up with me... I paint my past so picturesque... I've been telling all my college friends, how cool hawaii is, how hot the chics are, how great it'll be to come back to hawaii, how I might even hook up back here... I'm probably just telling them how I'd liked hawaii to be.... besides the weather, I've been wrong about everything... the chics here aren't as hot as I remembered them... USC has a whole ton of hot chics in such a centralized area.... hawaii is pretty boring and laid back, but that's good... for some people... being back with Yusef, Michael, and Evan have been great... I really missed them... I missed everyone else too, but they haven't seemed to have missed me... which is disappointing... I haven't seen anyone else since I've been back... maybe because I've harrassed some of them while I was drunk in college.. but I only did that because I had nothing better to do... I mean, it's pretty sad of me to be talking to people on aim while I'm drunk... at college... speaking of being drunk... I don't know... it's fun and all... I just have this preconceived notion that I'll get laid once I get drunk... it's not prominent in my mind but the thought always lingers... haha! YES! I'm not as depressed anymore... someone just told me that the grades have been posted... and I got a 3.14... I'm pretty proud of it... considering I missed 2 weeks or more.... because of a spinal tap... it's when they take a sample of your spinal fluid... and they only way they can do that is stick a 4 inch needle in your spine.... I got horrible headaches everytime I was upright... that's because there was an imbalance in my spinal fluid... the depressing part about this story is that I had to get a spinal tap because my roommate, Jered, passed away from septicemia, which may have been related to a meningococcal infection... I get depressed everytime I think about... for a whole myrid of reasons... the obvious, my roommate passing away... he was a good guy and stuck up for me... I also feel bad, for not feeling as bad, while everyone was crying and shit... maybe I was still in disbelief... even for weeks after, I thought he would just come in like he usually does... I also felt bad because maybe I feigned being as close as I told people that we were... it was only 3 months... but I really liked him... we didn't talk much, but he was a very good roommate... I still haven't seeked counseling... maybe I should... I have all these emotions and crap... I don't know if that's what's making me depressed or if I'm just normally like this if I'm not busy... I don't know... it's even more of a blow to my self-esteem when I get shot down by chics... and that, I've experienced a lot of... everyone tells me to just forget about it, I even tell myself that... but I can't... I could probably remember everytime I've gotten rejected... it's the same feeling... crushed... depressed... maybe because I just take everything so personally... I could probably tell you all the recent stories of me being rejected... but I could just make a generic situation that's pretty close to all of them... me walking up to the girl, saying something like "Hey, what's up?" or "Hey, my name is Pius"... she either responds... "Hey, nothing" and just ends it there, or does something to get me to go away... something like this happened 3 times at this club called the Maze... heartbreaking I tell you... of course Yusef thought I was the man for having the courage to even do anything... that kind of softens the blow... but... it still hurts... you can't imagine how many times I've gone to parties and done that and gotten that same response... every time I think about, depressing as shit... but then again, should I take these things so seriously? probably not... but I still do... I'm always trying to improve myself... telling myself, "you know, just remember to do this next time" and I try to learn from my mistakes, I pride myself knowing I do that... sometimes I have to repeat the mistake more than once though... since my last entry, I probably had one girl that was slightly interested in me... it might have only been pity though because i was introduced as Jered's roommate and it was a sort of memorial thing at the beach near Jered's home... there was also a paddle out for Jered, which is like a surfer's funeral ceremony... the water was 50-60 degrees and they gave me a wet suit that had huge holes in it... I tried to be bad ass and surf back to shore... but when I caught a wave, it was too steep and the board's nose just went under and I wiped out, big time... I got sand everywhere... college is pretty fun... but a lot of work... I'm not really close to anyone and don't have a lot of friends... so I usually do things alone, like eat alone... which is depressing.. heh... if only I was optimistic.. maybe I wouldn't have such a depressing life... I mean most of these things are like minor depression things... I'm not ready to kill myself or anything... but you know.. it just makes you sigh when you think about it.... I don't think Evan likes me the same... I've been an ass to him, I hope he understands... I just missed talking to him and he was always busy and shit... in retrospect, I don't think I've changed a lot... I don't know... I wish for a lot of things, most of the time, they don't come true... I just hope everything works out... I wish I had more friends... I always think, "If I had , then I'd be popular, rich, attractive, whatever"... that may be true, but I probably won't get those things... I don't know... life's just... crazy... it's so depressing thinking about my friends... I mean, you'd think your real friends would at least want to see you when you get back... I'm depressed again and it's pretty late... I'm suppose to wake up Yusef kind of early so that we can go do something... probably buy booze... drink a little... hopefully... I always thought of alcohol like what Yusef says, "liquid courage," but it doesn't make me confident, just a little more talkative, I'm a pretty quiet drunk... and I don't even know if I could classify as a heavy drinker... I only drink enough... I don't black out, vomit, or get hang overs... obviously, some manly man would say, "you're not drinking enough", I don't think I want to drink that much... I've only thrown up once, and that was self-induced because I wanted to go to bed and not feel sick and shit... but I've got a pretty high tolerance for alcohol now... I can several shots of 151... and vodka and crap... I remember the first time I had 151, it was half a shot and I was already buzzed... hehe... my little "getting laid after getting drunk" mentality was even there... I wanted to get laid pretty bad and got depressed because I didn't... I think everynight I get hammered, I want to get laid... or something... it's just my mentality though... brough up by movies and the stories of others... sometimes, I felt so depressed that I wanted a girlfriend, just so I could talk to her.. or just be with her... so I wouldn't have to be alone... especially when I was really fucked up because of my spinal tap.. I felt so alone... so depressed... I think those three weeks were some of the worst days of my life... I did terrible on my math midterm, it was raining... Jered passed away... I got a spinal tap... had horrible headaches and went to the Los Angeles county hospital, TWICE... you might not know, but that is the worst hospital to go to, if you don't have a gun shot wound... there's crazies, criminals, whatever, all there... I didn't mind that much, I just get left in the back burner... I was so miserable there... I went back there a second time because my headaches were so bad, I didn't know what the hell was going on... I couldn't lie down... my headaches got so bad, I was getting naseaus from the pain... they gave me a mask because they thought I had meningitis... I vomited in my mask and almost suffocated on my own vomit.... that place is horrible... you can hear people screaming because of pain or because of a lost loved one passed away.... I get my hopes up a lot... I don't know... I don't know a lot of things... I feel like I'm using girls for some kind of emotional comfort everytime I wish that I had a girlfriend to comfort me... it's not a good reason why I should have a girlfriend... I should just I don't know.. talk to a therapist or something... who knows... but that's not the right reason... if anyone reads this far... I don't know about you, shouldn't you be spending your time doing something productive? I remember, once Yusef said, I could pick up chics with this thing, in the back of my mind, that thought was there, but I don't think it's possible... I think I put up too much information, it's TOO personal... no one wants to know that much... people believe other people are normal, better off than they are... it pisses me off every time my relatives talk about Jered... like today... I called my uncle on my father's side to tell them that I'm back in hawaii... they asked me if Jered was a good person or a bad person and they asked me about him, like he was some shady guy... it pissed me off... that they were ignorant of his death... they asked me if he was white or oriental... WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING... who fucking cares... I hate racism... I'd say, all of my older relatives are racist... a lot of people are racist, I am... to some degree.. I try to better myself... I've pretty much ran out of steam and I probably have said what I wanted to say.... I'm still not any less depressed... but I feel a little better just getting some of this out... oh yeah... I picture Rachel's beach picnic thing on friday, a bore... I mean... I hardly talk to anyone at these things in the first place... I try to play this cool loner guy who takes no shit from nobody... I love double negatives.. i don't know why... anyway, but it just leaves me alone... I don't think have any connection with these people anymore... so I decided to go to it buzzed, at least... it'll be more fun for me.... I'm gonna bring this drink I learned how to make, so I can show it off to everyone, maybe they'll think I'm cool... it's all about appearances... going through life... if you can make yourself appear like you're fucking boss, people are gonna think it... by the way... I'm bringing the word "boss" back... I've been using it in college and people have been catching on... I just haven't talked to enough people here for it to catch on... but you can't use boss all the time, then it's just lame, you gotta use it when it truely fits... like when something is really good... "dude, that chic's fucking boss"... or "holy shit, that was really boss"... or "wasn't that the bossest shit you've ever seen?" I have so much shit to say... I just can't put it down on paper or whatever or tell anyone when I want to say it... I still have two more weeks in hawaii... I hope they'll be fun... who knows, maybe I will hook up with someone, maybe not... I try not to let myself up, but it always eventually happens... I need that confidence though... confidence is always a good thing...

my name's crazak p, to the sky's where I'm going/I rhyme all night, my flow's fucking tight/every time I'm on the mic/ I'm like reggie...in the full effect/goin off on the beat/what's up with the boots on your feet?!/check it out yo, I don't smoke crack/fuck that shit, it's whack/ everytime I come around/I hear "Crazak P!"/it's fuckin known on the west coast/something I'd like to boast/well I'm gonna be hittin the hay/thinkin back on this rhyme, it's pretty gay